12 ways to ruin your kids (2023)

Parenting is one of the most popular areas of self-help. For many, parenting books are purchased while the child is stillnot uterus. The last few decades have brought many new insights into child development, child behavior and the nature of the parent-child relationship, some of which have been extremely important. But the amount of information can be overwhelming. So we decided to focus on what parentsshould notmake.

We asked some of the most well-known experts in the field what they think are some of the best ways parents can spoil their kids. From child psychologists to child psychiatrists to paediatricians, the experts have given us insight into what hurts and helps children. In her opinion, these are the 12 most important things to avoid in order for your child to grow up to be a happy, confident and fulfilled person.

1. Threatens to leave your children behind

We've all been there: It's time to leave the park and your kids just don't want to leave. They run; They're hiding; they refuse and you become more and more frustrated and angry. It's tempting to use this tactic when your kids just won't go along with what you're trying to do (especially when they're throwing a tantrum), but the threat of abandonment—even if you never act on it—is deeply damaging to children.

A child's sense of attachment to parents and caregivers is one of the most important things in a child's development, especially in the early years. The doctor. L. Alan Sroufe, professor emeritus of psychology at the Institute for Child Development at the University of Minnesota, says threatening to threaten your child with abandonment, even in a seemingly lighthearted way, can shake the foundations of safety and well-being. .that you represent. According to Sroufe, saying things like "I'm bringing you here" opens up the possibility that you're not there to protect and care for her. For a child, the idea that you could leave them alone in a strange place is terribly frightening and can erode their bond with you as a secure base from which to find the world.

So the next time you're tempted to respond to denial or tantrums with "I'm leaving," try to explain the situation to your child in simple terms, or at least wait for the tears to fall (shewillpowerhappen) and then further. When it's time to leave the park (and your child is old enough), prepare them for the transition, as transitions are notoriously difficult for children. Try something like, "Oliver, it's dinner time, so let's start packing in five minutes." Then at markers four, three, two, and one minute, let him know what's up due to him. The same type of negotiation can work when your child is yelling at the shopping cart because they're tired of errands: Count the items they need before "mommy time" is over and it's time to park or play. can be a great way to help your child feel included and aware of the plan. For younger kids, distraction ("Look at that big red dog/truck out there!") is probably their best defense.

2. LIE TO YOUR CHILD

A simple but extremely important rule of thumb in parenting is, “Don't lie to your child.” For example, if you tell your children that the family pet went to an upstate farm, when in fact the animal is dead, that is a good example of this common mistake parents make. Of course, twisting the truth in this way isn't malicious: we're trying to save our children's feelings. We may be unsure of how to handle these difficult situations, or simply hoping to avoid the problem, but making things up or lying to protect your child from pain backfires because it distorts reality, which is unnecessary and potentially harmful.

However, it is important to ensure that your explanation is age appropriate. A very young child doesn't need a long explanation about death or dying. Telling him or her that a person was too old or too ill with a serious illness that doctors couldn't cure might be all that's needed.

According to Sroufe, this parenting error also includes "distorted feelings," which can consist of "telling children they feel something they don't really feel, or more commonly, saying they don't feel what they really feel." In other words, creating a gap between what your child is experiencing and who you arenarrativeThey feel it creates needless suffering.

For example, if your child says they are afraid to go to school for the first time, instead of saying they are not afraid or that they are being silly, acknowledge your child's feelings and work from there. Say something like, "I know you're scared, but I'm going with you. We will meet your new teachers and your classmates together and I will stay with you until you are no longer afraid. Sometimes the emotion feels very much like fear. Do you think you're excited too? The next time you're tempted to tell a little lie or twist the truth, think of a different path: It's an opportunity to grow. Embrace the truth and help your child overcome mixed feelings, it will be much better for your long-term health.

3. IGNORE YOUR OWN BAD BEHAVIOR

Parents may live by the old mantra of "do as I say, not as I do," but there's plenty of good research showing why this doesn't work for a variety of reasons. Children learn by example, plain and simple. Children absorb everything around them and are unique like sponges in their ability to learn and reflect both the good and the bad.jbad behavior from a young age.

That's why author and child development expert Dr. David Elkind, Professor Emeritus at Tufts UniversityThe doctorModeling the behaviors we want is one of the best things we can do as parents. What you do is far more important than what you tell your child.

For example, children of smokers are twice as likely to smoke than children of non-smoking parents, and obese parents are significantly more likely to smokeoverweight childrenthan non-obese parents. Even slightly more puzzling behaviors, such as B. how you treat family members and interact with strangers, animals and the environment will be picked up and repeated by your children. The best way to get your kids to eat broccoli? Eat it with pleasure and prepare it for your children (perhaps with some grated cheese). Children can spot untruths from a mile away, so believing in what you are doing is an essential part of leading by example.

If you want your child to be respectful and kind, make sure you show that behavior yourself, even when you're angry or disagreeing. You, the parent, are the number one role model in your child's life. Showing them, rather than telling them how to behave and navigate the world around them, is the most effective method.

4. ASSUME WHAT WORKS THE FIRST, OR WORKS FOR YOU, WILL WORK THE SECOND

One of the biggest problems with parenting counseling is that one size doesn't fit all. As Elkind points out, "The same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the carrot... The same parental behavior can have different effects depending on the child's personality."

If you have more than one child, you've probably noticed that not only do their personalities vary greatly, but other variables such as sleeping habits, attention spans, learning styles, and responses to discipline can vary dramatically between children. Your first child may constantly turn to you for comfort or encouragement, while your second child may not need any of it, preferring to do it alone. Some children respond better to firm boundaries, while others need less definition. So it's important to remember that what worked for one may not necessarily work for the other.

The same is true when it comes to whatOfNeeds as a child versus your own child's needs. You may have been an on-the-go child who needed a lot of active play, but your child may prefer quiet, gentle play. It's important to consider these differences when raising your own children. It's not easy as it requires you to constantly learn and re-evaluate instead of relying on your own experiences and memories. But raising children in a way that puts the needs of each child first will go a long way towards the development of you and your child.

5. YOU EXAGGERATE WHEN YOUR CHILD BREAKS A RULE

Most parents have a general idea of ​​what is and isn't good in their home, but what you do when the rules are broken can really make the difference between teaching your child a lesson or just making them angry and resentful . When something unexpected happens, some people take it lightly, while others don't take it so well. But according to Dr. W. George Scarlett, vice chair of the Eliot Pearson Department of Child Development at Tufts University, one way to "pamper" your child is to take the larger context and all other variables that go into the environment out of the equation Losing sight educate your child and in which it exists.

For example, if your child sneaks into a violent video game or R-rated movie, it's not the end of the world provided you generally provide a positive and supportive environment in which to raise your child. Scarlett says, "Parents who let kids play violent video games and parents who beat kids are examples of what I mean. If you just look at the correlations, you might come to the conclusion that these two are bad ideas, but on closer inspection it seems that most of the time, when put together and nurtured in good contexts, these two are good. Time won't do much harm to your child's development when the other 99 percent of their activities are more aligned with their own beliefs.

Scarlett adds that "the general message could well be this: that certain methods, habits and behaviors are not as important as the attitudes and abilities of the parents to take a child's perspective as well as an adult's." If a child is raised in a loving and caring environment where they are respected and their feelings taken into account (more on that later), then activities that we would say “no way” will have no effect. negative impact. have an impact on your child's development.

6. DO YOU THINK YOUR BABY SHOULD NOT BE DRINKING?

Despite old-school wisdom, it's virtually impossible to spoil your baby by attending to their needs or by holding them in your arms for most of the day. The doctor. Tovah Klein, director of the Barnard Toddler Center at Columbia University, emphasizes that "you can't ruin a baby by hugging them or over-reacting. Research shows otherwise. Babies who receive more empathetic and attentive care (to ensure their needs are met) grow up to be more competent and independent children.”

Holding your baby in your arms or in the stroller, responding to their cries, and comforting them when they're frustrated can only help. After all, babies cry for a reason: it's a sign something is wrong and they need mom or dad's help to fix it. Knowing that mom or dad is there to fix things when things go wrong creates a sense of security that will stay with them as they grow up.

For older children, there is a balance between accepting and over-accepting their setbacks. For example, when children fall, they often look to their parents to see how to react. If parents overreact to a scraped knee, so will the child. But if the parent responds in a relaxed manner (maybe saying, "Wow, you fell. You look okay, don't you?"), the child is likely to respond immediately, and maybe shed tears. But for little babies, it's almost impossible to care too much about the parents. So if you prefer to carry your baby on your chest rather than in the stroller, then go for it. This creates a bond and security between you and your baby for a long time.

A related point is that each child develops at their own pace, so forcing your child to do new things before they are ready can be harmful. "Pushing independence too soon can backfire," Klein says. “For example, parents may be in a hurry to get the child out of the crèche, say when the child turns 2. This detracts from the well-known comfort (cots are small and closed, helping children to feel safe). This can lead to sleep battles: child not wanting to stay in bed, waking up more during the night, etc. So make sure your child is ready for new activities and transitions. Your response will let you know if this is the case. Be prepared to go back and wait a little longer before trying again.

7. PUNISH OR REJECT YOUR CHILD IF THEY DIE, HIT OR PULL THINGS

Expressing anger by hitting or throwing things is perfectly natural behavior for a child. It is a way for children, with their limited language and immature cognitive (mental) abilities, to express their emotions. Punishing the child for this behavior, while tempting, is not the way to go because it gives the impression that emotions are a bad thing in the first place.

Klein suggests that instead of scolding a child for misbehaving, "helping the child to understand their negative emotions (anger, sadness) and over time to understand why they feel the way they do will help." will develop social skills.” and emotionally. Therefore, empathizing with a child rather than scolding them by setting a boundary (e.g., "I understand you're angry, but I can't let you hit you") has better results than scolding the child scold and punish.

Rather than "turning off" a child's emotions, help them see that you understand their frustration and that it's okay to feel this way, but that there is a better way to express it.

8. TRY TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR CHILD INSTEAD OF THE FATHER

This is a common mistake parents make, especially as their children get older. All parents want their children to appreciate and love them, and being seen as nice is particularly desirable for some parents, so it can be easy to adopt the friend role instead of the parent role.

dr Sue Hubbard, pediatrician and host ofthe pediatricianRadio show says staying parenting is important, especially when it comes to setting limits on substance experimentation. Rates of alcohol and drug use among teenagers are increasing, and Hubbard believes that "part of this may be due to parents wanting to be friends with their children rather than their parents. It's often easier to say yes than no, and parents sometimes seem to turn a blind eye to the use of alcohol and drugs (especially marijuana) in their own homes. The scary thing is that alcohol is the number one killer of teenagers."

While some parents feel that the safest place to experiment with substances is at home, being too liberal about alcohol or drug use can backfire and give children the impression that underage drinking is illegal . Fine as long as it's home. “They must lead by example in responsible drinking,” says Hubbard, “and enforce underage drinking laws. Kids have watched their parents since they were little and know what it's like to come home drunk."

Overly permissive parenting can pose a problem in other areas, not just drugs and alcohol. Finding the path between authority figure and confidence can be difficult, but finding a balance is important. Beauthoritarian– Using your years and accumulated knowledge to explain it to your children – is different from beingauthoritarian, or someone who says "my way or the highway". It's not hard to guess what the longer lasting positive effect is on a teenager or young child.

9. FILL YOUR CUPBOARDS WITH BAD FOODS AND AVOID FAMILY MEALS

With our incredibly busy lives today, family dinners can turn into a godsend. When children are small, it is natural that they eat earlier and adults later. And with teens snacking and extracurricular activities, dinner easily becomes an "every man for himself" event.

More and more research shows that familiesthose who eat together are healthier, both physically and mentally. As Hubbard says, “Family meals have become more of a conundrum than the norm. It's not clear how this evolved, but multiple studies have shown that children who eat with their families do better in school, have fewer attention and behavioral problems, use less drugs and alcohol, and definitely have better table manners.

Families that eat together are also thinner and havelower risk of eating disorders. So try to eat together as much as possible, talk about the good and bad sides of your day, and just be together. “Don't worry about family dinners!” says Hubbard. "You can buy ready meals, add some of your family's favorite ingredients and enjoy it at the table."

Pediatrician Jim Sears, co-host of the television show.the doctors, says that stuffing cupboards with junk food is one of the most common mistakes we make. Depriving children of nutritious food and making them obese is a surefire way to ruin children. "It all depends on one's shopping habits, and changing those habits can make a world of difference when it comes to our children's health." According to Sears, "You can find cookies, chips and soda in most pantries, although the people who who run these pantries say they try to avoid littering. When it's in the fridge... you'll see it and eat it. Worse, your kids will see this and grow up thinking you should have junk food on hand at all times.”

“I always encourage my families to change their attitude towards shopping. Having junk food in the home should be the exception, not the rule,” says Sears. If you're looking to replace junk food with healthier options, try to do it gradually (your kids might rebel if you do it all at once).

10. DO NOT walk; DRIVE ANYWHERE

While it's tempting to hop in the car for a quick run to the grocery store, Sears' second tip for families is to stay active whenever possible. "By that," he says, "I don't mean going to the gym five days a week. My point is, your family chooses to be active whenever possible. You ride a bike or go to school. You walk to the park, to the post office, to the cafeteria… You can walk a few blocks from your office to lunch and take the stairs.” You might even consider getting one.puppy.

"People talk about a genetic component of obesity, but when a person is active they can overcome any genetic predisposition they might have," says Sears. "I think that shows that humans were designed to move around most of the time, rather than sitting in a classroom or behind a desk. Sure, sitting might be part of your job, but if you can find an excuse to exercise and get your family moving, everyone will be a lot healthier and do better at work or school. Let your kids think it's normal to be active."

Your kids may moan and moan now when you tell them the movie is over but a day hike with a picnic is right around the corner, but these habits will stick with them for years to come. Not only are you helping your children get healthier as they grow older (research continues to suggest that the more active we stay, the more we reduce our risk of obesity,heart disease, diabetes, cognitive decline and even premature death), but they will probably pass this healthy lifestyle on to their own children.

11. BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CHILD'S DEVELOPMENT, OR NOT RESPONSIBLE

We are all aware of the impact our upbringing has on our children. But sometimes it's easy to take that idea to the extreme and believe that everything you do has a crucial impact on your child's success.

If you can't get him into the best elementary school, what about his academic aspirations? If you don't find the perfect balance of discipline and calm, how will that affect your development? Pushed a kid into the playground today because you allowed him to watch a violent cartoon? If your kid is having a great day in the little league, don't assume it was because of practice.

Becoming a strong, guilt-ridden parent is a surefire way to ruin your kids. Dr. Hans Steiner, Professor Emeritus of Child Psychiatry at Stanford University, warns parents against taking sole responsibility for their child's problems. Besides yourself, there are many other factors in your life that influence your personality and development: genes, other family members, school, friends, etc. So if something goes wrong, don't blame yourself, because it's probably not you and only you cause of the problem.

On the other hand, Steiner says, don't assume you don't play a role in your child's development. Some people may assume that a child's successes and problems are mostly due to genes or school teachers, not you. Both extremes are just that: extremes. As with so many aspects of parenting, there is a balance. You are important in your child's life, but you are not the only factor.

12. ASSUME THAT THERE IS A WAY TO BE GOOD PARENTS

You are reading this to learn some disaster and parenting tips. But as mentioned above, creating a one size fits all is unrealistic as children's personalities are so different. Steiner advises parents to pay attention to the "fit" between them and their child when it comes to personality and natural temperament. Psychologists have described nine distinct traits (some of which include attention span, mood, and activity level) that together make up three basic personality types: easy/flexible, difficult/aggressive, and cautious/slow to warm up.

It goes without saying that your child's temperament interacts with yours. Some parent-child temperaments work well together, others are more in the works. Your children's temperaments can be very different from yours, and you can't change any of them. Think of the demanding mother with a neglected child or the demanding father with a carefree child. It is up to you to be aware of these differences and correct them.

Once you understand the phenomenon, you can discover new ways to interact and respond with your child to minimize friction. A recent University of Washington study found that children whose parenting styles were more tailored to their children's needs had significantly less depression and anxiety than children whose parents were less aligned with their children's personalities. You can also create schedules and activities that best suit your temperament.

Being aware of your child's natural temperament and needs is one of the necessary (and wonderful) parts of parenting. There are many things you cannot change, so enjoy the distinctive little personality he or she is and will grow into for years to come.

Bild: Vadim Ivanov/Shutterstock.

This article originally appeared onTheDoctorWillSeeYouNow.com.